Some of my friends make mind blowingly astute remarks about human nature on gchat during working hours. This series will be dedicated to all my cubicle philosophers out there. Shit’s going to be deep. Hold on to your underwear, lest your knickers be blown away by wisdom.

Me: dude I want wings

Me: with crispy skin and juicy flesh

Me: but I had chicken and beer yesterday…

Friend: lolll weerrrrrrd sounds dope

Me: what does this mean? 

Me: why am i CRAVING chicken so much?! EFFFFFFFF

Friend: …alex lets be real

Friend: you aren’t craving chicken, you’re craving food

Friend: ultimately this means you’re a fatass. 

Friend: oo coffee break! brb

2011. What a year. I graduated from college with a shitload of debt. I have a job where my fate lies in the hand of Mike in IT, I made friends, lost some, I took my first legal shot with friends, I was unable to remember this said shot, I grew out my bieber hair,  I cried over stupid things, stupid people, had a surgery and hated it. My mother is healthy, my brother is the height of a neanderthal with a heart the same size, I have a place to sleep, a car, and friends who support even my most idiotic endeavors. 

I’ll end this post with a letter to ye faithful blog.

Dear Tumblr,

I’m sorry I don’t use you to reblog millions of funny pictures for your followers to see. I leave that to Praise Hong who’s more than capable in that field. Her index finger is probably ultra jacked from clicking “reblog” so often. Thor, they call it. Sorry I only leave behind either a) senseless brainfarts or b) accounts of how I might get fired soon. You have been faithful and I in turn will continue to utilize you as a external hard drive for the sometimes serious, sometimes silly shit in my life. Happy almost new year.

intervention. 

Just watched an hour and 46 minutes of shiba inu and dog trick videos on youtube at work. Mike in IT, are you watching my every move? Hope you have some holiday spirit and don’t report my ass. Thanks. 

Dear Fagnuts, 

You deserve some sort of award for being the worst co-worker. Just because you get paid triple my salary doesn’t mean that you can shove all your unwanted work into my face and expect me to do it. Don’t give me the look of horror and shock when I say, “Nope. Sorry I already have a ton of work to do.” For your information, I am not the office beezy who lies about being busy just so I can weave my way around doing work. That one’s upstairs in administrative services. I’m just the office beezy who says no to you because I have to. 

Did you know that during those awful 4 hour meetings you pull all of us into on whim, I imagine myself plucking out the very minimal amount of hairs you have on your already receding hairline? But I’m not the only one. There’s also the designer next to me who always decoratively writes the word “fuck” in his notebook every time you speak. Oh and I almost forgot about the marketing manager who initiates group whatsapp chats to discuss what to eat for lunch. 

But I don’t blame you. You probably had an awkward childhood, and an even more awkward transition into adulthood. That doesn’t mean your self-esteem issues are my problem. Take that bullshit elsewhere. Before you present yourself as a leader in this office, exert confidence in ways other than calling us to communist meetings for hours on end. 

Oh and buy us food. That helps too. 

Tis winter! Rejoice!

Nothing makes me happier than the upcoming holiday season- hot drinks in mugs and red starbucks cups, christmas decorations, the window displays on 5th ave., and even the craze of christmas shopping. There’s something incredibly comforting about keeping warm under layers of clothing while your face is icy from biting winter cold. Not to mention, I actually love the feeling of thawing out in a warm place. Woooooooo.

But by far, my favorite part of the holidays is the music. Ya feel me? How can you possibly be in a foul mood when Nat King Cole is telling you that there are chestnuts roasting on an open fire!? I know I can’t.

If you come across me during Christmas, I may be frowning (as always) like this,

but on the inside I am probably smiling like this. 

Tehee

Speaking of holiday music. I’m actually diggin the Biebs’ “Mistletoe.” It makes me a Belieber…almost. Where is my shawty under the mistletoe? 

Jokes. 

I work for a Korean company. This means, everyone and their mothers (duh) speak Korean with a few exceptions. In fact, I am as American as it gets around here. I used to always think I was so Korean until I stepped foot in my office.

It has its perks. They baby me especially cause I’m also the youngest. They aren’t as strict as they could be with the way I dress. I wear Toms and jeans 4/5 days of my work week. Maybe to them, American born Koreans fresh out of college need to be forgiven for their exaggerated idea of business casual. 

It also has its downsides. Language. Lengua. I always prided myself on being able to speak and write better than most non-fobs. It’s true. But in the midst of all the OG Koreans, I feel downsized in my multi-language capabilities. 

Today, I sent an email to my co-worker and I was supposed to write 오늘은 꼭 돈을 찾아가세요, roughly translating to please take your money today. However, in a flurry of multi-lingual fury, I instead wrote 오늘은 꼭 똥을 찾아가세요, which roughly translates to please take your shit today. 

I don’t even want to look him in the eye as I leave today. 

Whaddup y’all. I’m definitely a force to be reckoned with in the business world today.